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The Book

Out now at Amazon | Waterstones

Middle Class Handbook on Twitter
Chattering Class

Prince Harry

Even republicans approve, surely?

Microwaving tea

Recommended by scientists, apparently. Disgusting

No televised election debates

Disappointing; we were rather looking forward to May vs The Sturge


Olivia Coleman = nailed-on Future National Treasure

Spring Bank holidays

Too close together! Very bad!


“I queued for THREE BLOODY HOURS at B&Q for a new recycling bin! The entire town’s in CHAOS”


To be listened to whole on a long journey for maximum effect

Using a proper paper map

Strangely satisfying

The “Flash” Flash ad

It’s back! Possibly the best ever singing dog in an advert ever

Crap tacos

Reheated, with too much chilli: middle-class kebabs, basically

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The Periodic Table of the Middle Class
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    Look, before I get into this and everybody berates me for being an Olympics killjoy, I’ll just say I do know that athletes are very special and that what they do is very different from what most of us do for a living, therefore giving them a licence to talk about themselves in the way that they do. But, sorry, it is amusing, and goes against all common British standards of modesty, cynicism and self-deprecation. Just imagine a world where we all spoke like athletes…

    Here are five techniques which will help us achieve that dream:

    1. Forget about normal standards of modesty
    “I did an excellent job today”
    “I’m in really good shape at the moment, the best shape of my life”
    “This is an incredibly demanding job"
    “I discovered I was talented at a young age”
    “I’ve always believed in myself”

    2. State the painfully obvious
    “I’ve just got to keep doing well in order to succeed”
    “You never know what’s going to happen”
    “Ultimately I just need to put what I’ve learnt into practice”
    “It’s all about going out there to win”

    3. Use melodrama without self-awareness
    “This is going to be the biggest challenge of my life”
    “This will change my life forever”

    4. Throw in lots of cliché 
    “It’s all about winning, at the end of the day”
    “This has opened up so many doors for me”

    5. Be very serious and monotonous
    Avoid varying your tone. Flat, humourless, and ultimately quite boring, is what you’re going for. 

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